Becoming a Foster Family

People often wonder who can foster and this page is designed to give some answers. Both 'traditional' and non-traditional' families may foster with great success. Many kinds of families can be foster families.

Families may be:

• One adult
• Two adults
• Living in own home
• Rented home
• Having children
• Not having children
• Unemployed adults
• Employed adults

One essential quality for all foster families is to be willing to help and care for children for the time that is needed and be able to work towards re-uniting the child with his/her family. All family members are involved in fostering. It is important to take time to think about your values and what feels right for you and your family. Consider the following questions and statements as they will help you and your family to have more idea whether fostering is suitable for you.

↑Top

One essential quality for all foster families is to be willing to help and care for children for the time that is needed and be able to work towards re-uniting the child with his/her family. All family members are involved in fostering. It is important to take time to think about your values and what feels right for you and your family. Consider the following questions and statements as they will help you and your family to have more idea whether fostering is suitable for you.

• I was fostered and I consider I can help a child in care.
• I love children.
• I want to help children have the best possible future for themselves.
• I want to help children reach their potential.
• I have a great love of children although I do not have any of my own.
• I believe I can understand the needs of children in care.
• I feel I would like to give something back to the community.
• I believe it will be a rewarding job.

Your motive for fostering needs to be child focused and more to do with helping a child and his/her family than improving things for yourself.

Further questions you may wish to ask yourself are:

Do I have:

• A good support network?
• Healthy self esteem?
• Time for foster care training?
• Time for meetings concerning the child?

Am I able to:

• Appreciate how important the child's family is to the child in care?
• Share the care of the child with the child's family
• Cope with the child's feelings and the child's family's feeling about contact visits?
• Accept that family situations are different and that it is important not to judge.

↑Top

Arriving in a new home is often very difficult and traumatic for a child and the foster parent needs to be sensitive to the child's needs and anxieties.

Children usually experience a great many feelings when they leave home including grief about separation from their family and often guilt. They often believe that family problems that lead to a break up are their fault. Often children take a long time to settle in and adjust to their new surroundings. Their feelings about these changes are usually expressed in behaviour, rather than words. Sometimes the behaviour is difficult to understand. Training is available and encouraged for all foster parents to help them deal with any difficulties that arise.

Children often feel very unsure of what is expected of them in a new home and what to expect of others. This is why it is important to explain to the child how your household works so the child feels at ease and secure.

↑Top

Children in foster care can behave in many different ways. These include:

• Cry
• Withdraw
• Seem very vague
• Act as if they couldn't care less
• Act as though they are much older / younger
• Have rapid swings in behaviour and mood
• Act as though they are very tough, showing very little emotion
• Be very good, anxiously trying to please you in all respects. This will most likely change once the child settles in.

↑Top

For many reasons some parents may experience family difficulties and during this time children may be placed in foster care.

During this time the parent may feel:

• Sad
• Guilty, ashamed
• Lost, lonely
• Angry or resentful
• Worried for their safety
• Panicky, worry about when the child will return
• Inadequate, fear that the child may love them less

Not all emotions need to be 'negative'. For example, you may possibly feel relieved that someone else can assist until you are able to cope.

Try to imagine how it would feel meeting the foster family for the first time. You would probably feel nervous and may assume that their parenting skills would be considered to be better than yours.

Would you find it difficult to see your child? Would you feel you might not cope during the visit as your feelings may get the better of you? How would you feel if your child calls the foster parent Mum?

It is important that foster parents are aware from the beginning of the difficulties facing parents of children who are in care.

↑Top

Could my:

• Child/ren share me/us with someone else?
• Child/ren tolerate having another child in the house?
• Child/ren or partner understand that a child in care may need many extra hours of my/their attention?
• Partner cope with our child/ren and someone else's child?

Am I prepared to:

• Advise the case worker of a new partner in my life?
• Advise the case worker if a relative/boarder comes to live?
• Acknowledge that difficulties will arise occasionally between the child/ren in my care and my own child/ren?
• As a single parent, cope with my own child/ren and someone else's child?
• Learn to adjust to a child in my life when I do not have one of my own?
• Be able to encourage the child in care to feel part of the foster family without substituting for his/her parents and family?
• Cope with contact visits and the effects they will have on my family?
• Accept the individual needs of my own family as well as the child/ren in care?
• Accept that I have my own needs and that I need time to myself?

↑Top

As you can see many people are involved in sharing the care of the child. Decisions will be made about the child by the child's parent/s, the case worker and the foster parent/s. However in some circumstances decisions may be made without consultation with the foster parent/s. Examples could be choice of school, specialist help for the child or an emergency decision involving the child's family.

• Are you willing to accept involvement of all members of the team?
• Do you think you could cope with this many people?
• Could you accept that some decisions are made by other people with regard to the child?

You also need to ask yourself, could I:

• Share the responsibility of a child in care with other people and the child's family?
• Work with other members of the team to re-unite the child with their family?
• Accept that other people are also responsible for the child in my care
• Make a positive contribution to the foster care team?
• Try to understand the problems that the child may have with the help of the case worker and the child's parent/s?
• Learn to understand what separation might mean to a child, to me, to my family and the child's family?
• Share information with the case worker and the child's family?
• Respect confidential information the worker shares with me about the child and his/her family, and also what the child tells me?
• Make a commitment to ongoing foster care training?
• Make a commitment to regular meetings to discuss the child's situation?

↑Top

• Accept the child's love for his/her own family?
• Accept visits by the child with his/her family?
• Accept that the child and myself will feel different levels of affection for each other at different stages of the relationship?
• Help a child for the time that is needed and then say goodbye?
• Attempt to find my sense of humour in trying times?
• Find the energy to care for a child?
• Consider advice, even if I haven't asked for it?
• Make mistakes and learn from them?
• Allow the child to be an individual?
• Accept the principle that children in care are not to be physically disciplined?
• Learn to give appropriate discipline to a child who is not mine?
• Build the child's self esteem?
• Accept that my expectations and hopes for the child may not be met?
• Feel satisfied in being a foster parent?
• Feel that I have done a good job when the child returns home?

In considering these questions, remember there is no such thing as a 'perfect' foster family, just as there is no 'perfect' family. If you and your family seem to have a willingness to make things work, be able to cope positively with any problems as they arise and be able to seek help, you are likely to find fostering rewarding and challenging.

↑Top

• Provide day-to-day care for a child.
• Provide basic physical needs; food, clean clothing, etc.
• Make sure the child has a safe environment.
• Have contact with schools, doctors and other professionals.
• Assist the child's development in all areas.
• Teach the child manners, social skills, etc.
• Provide rules, structures and appropriate discipline.
• Model appropriate relationships.
• Treat the child with acceptance, warmth and respect.
• Accept that the child who enters the home may be at a different developmental stage to the chronological age of the child.
• Accept the Department's involvement and responsibility.
• Keep records.
• Work with the child's family, where appropriate.
• Prepare the child to leave.
• Accept that decisions the foster parent can make for the child are limited.
• Respect the confidentiality of the child and the family.
• Respect differences in the child's cultural, social and religious background.
• Finally, foster parents work as part of a team of workers. This involves attending case conferences and working to an agreed plan.

↑Top

If the case plan is for the child to return home and this goal is achieved, the foster parents may feel happy for the child that they are going home, but sad that the child will be leaving their care. It is a good idea to share those feelings with the child before they leave your care, as the child is likely to be going through the same mixed emotions.

It can be a very unsettling time for children going home. They may feel sad about leaving you and your family and may feel guilty for feeling happy about going home. They may also be apprehensive about going home and facing more changes.

Children at this time need to know that you are happy that they are going home, but also that you and your family will miss them. It is difficult to know what to do at this time and your reactions will depend on the child in your care. Their behaviour may change at this time, for example from being very dependent on you and following you around everywhere to separating from you and your family and not seeming to care about leaving you.

The child's parents may need reassurance at this time too. They are sometimes very worried about whether their child will miss your family and how the child will react when home.

There should be adequately planned transition time for the child to return home.

↑Top